Becoming withdrawn, having emotional outbursts, difficulties sleeping, feeling unwell and changes in appetite are all common responses after experiencing a bereavement.
As adults, our natural response is to try and make things better for young people and take away these uncomfortable feelings. But grief is a natural part of life and it is important that young people are able to process the loss they have experienced with the support of the adults around them.
So how can we support children through bereavement?
1. Listen, empathise and allow space for children to ask questions – Listen to the child or young person and validate their emotions. Avoid trying to fix things or make things better. Remind the child or young person that it is normal and okay to feel sad or angry.
2. Use clear language when talking about death – children often interpret information literally so using phrases such as ‘they are in a better place’ or ‘passed away’ can be confusing. Although it can feel difficult, research shows that it is helpful to use clear language such as ‘death’ and ‘died’. For younger children, we might explain that ‘their body stopped working’.
3. Encourage the child or young person to talk about the person who has died – we sometimes avoid talking about the person who has died because it feels painful, but this can be a helpful way of processing the loss. Ask the child or young person questions about the person who has died e.g. ‘What was your favourite thing to do together? What is your favourite memory?’
4. Support the child or young person to continue engaging in important activities and connecting with others – maintaining a sense of routine and stability can be helpful during times of change and during a bereavement. Where possible, support the child or young person to continue engaging in activities they enjoy. Sometimes children or young people experience guilt when they have moments of feeling happy after a bereavement. Remind the child or young person that it is okay to feel happiness and enjoyment even though something sad has happened.
5. Be sensitive and non-judgmental to differing cultural, religious and spiritual beliefs – ask children and young people what has been discussed at home and what their beliefs are. Explain that everybody has different beliefs about what happens after death and that there is no right or wrong.
Developmental understanding of death
| Stage | Age Range | Conceptualisation |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | 3 – 5 | Death is not a permanent condition. The dead are less alive – similar to being very sleepy, i.e. they can still breathe and eat. The dead may wake up after a while. A dead person can come back to life. |
| 2 | 5 – 9 | Death is final. The dead stay dead. Death is irreversible but not inevitable. There is the possibility of escaping from death if one is clever or lucky. Some children at this stage of development picture death in the form of a person: sometimes an angel, a clown, shadowy death-man, or skeletal figure. Moving things are viewed as alive and non-moving as dead. Only bad people or people who have accidents die. |
| 3 | 10+ | A more realistic, adult like view of death emerges. Death is not only final, but it is also inevitable, universal, and personal. Everybody dies, whether mouse or elephant, stranger or parent. No matter how good or clever or lucky. |
Helpful books for talking about loss:
Badger’s Parting Gifts
Susan Varley
Badger is so old that he knows he must soon die, so he does his best to prepare his friends. When he finally passes away, they are grief-stricken, but one by one they remember the special things he taught them during his life. By sharing their memories, they realise that although Badger is no longer with them physically, he lives on through his friends.
Lost in the Clouds
Tom Tinn-Disbury
Billy misses his mummy very much. She lives in the clouds. Some days the sun is shining and Mummy’s clouds are nowhere to be seen. Those are Billy’s favourite days. He and Daddy would play in the garden all day long, and Billy knows that Mummy is letting the sun shine for them. But not all days are like that. Sometimes Mummy’s clouds are dark, and Billy feels sad and alone.
Missing Mummy
Rebecca Cobb
Perfectly pitched text and evocative artwork explore the many emotions a bereaved child may experience, from anger to guilt and from sadness to bewilderment. And importantly, the book also focuses on the positive – the recognition that the child is still part of a family, and that his memories of his mother are to be treasured.
Ollie the Octopus
Dr Karen Treisman
In a magical underwater forest lived a colourful and loveable Octopus called Ollie, who loved swimming with his friends and spending time with his mum and dad, Orla and Orson the Octopuses. Until one day, Orla started to get very sick. The doctors did everything they could to help her, but very sadly, Orla died.
The Invisible String
Patrice Karst
Does everybody have an Invisible String? How far does it reach? Does it ever go away? This heartwarming picture book for all ages explores questions about the intangible yet unbreakable connections between us, and opens up deeper conversations about love.
